(feeling better)

Hey, everyone!

So I didn't go to light-up night because something came up that was more important and I couldn't go.  :(

But anyway, I talked with Euge, and she told me why she was in such a bad mood.  She said that the night before, because she got a C+ on one test, her mom yelled at her and basically told her that she was pathetic, stupid, and worthless, and that she has no future (even though she has straight A's in all her classes.  After that I felt really bad about it, so I apologized to her like a thousand times because I was basically being unfair to her by thinking that she didn't want to be friends with me anymore.

And also, there was one point in the conversation where I said something really stupid, like "Well if you had told me before then I wouldn't have had such a shitty day!" And then Caitlyn was like "You wanna rephrase that?!" So then I started feeling really bad about it because I felt like a horrible person for saying that, and I started crying and stuff.

Before I knew what was going on with her, I just sort of assumed that my problems were worse than hers.  I basically had the mindset of "Oh, well, you have no idea how hard it is for me," and "Look I understand that you had a shitty morning, but you have no idea what it's like to have a shitty life."  But really, I had no idea how hard it is for her.  That could've seriously damaged our friendship.  Thank god it didn't (what doesn't kill you makes you stronger), but it could've.  So after school that day, something hit me.  I started thinking about this show I used to watch on MTV called If You Really Knew Me.  It's basically when these people come to your school and help students (and teachers) break down barriers and realize that they're more alike than they are different, and that how could you feel so alone when there are so many people you talk to every day who are going through the same exact stuff as you and know exactly how you're feeling!

What happens is they come in and they give this big speech thingy, and then they make you run around and act like kids and play these ridiculous, pointless games (just to make everyone feel more comfortable with each other).  After that, people get into a circle of chairs with a group of students (and sometimes some teachers, depending on whether or not they've decided to participate) and finish this sentence: "If we really knew you, what would we know about you?" And after that's over, they do this thing called the Power Shuffle.  That's when everybody stands behind a line of tape on the floor (and there's another about ten feet away from it that you're looking at).  If what the announcer says describes either a part of you or something you've been through, you cross the line and get behind the other line, turning around.

So yeah, that sounds fun.  The only concern I have is how expensive it would be, because apparently it's like 300 bucks per student, and we have a LOT of students in our high school.  And plus, my school cares too much about money probably to actually help us with this.

That is all.

~kbye~

(i don't know what to do anymore)

Hey!

Wow, I haven't posted in a while!

So, here's what's going on: Eugenie was being a total jerk this morning.  I came in and I saw her sitting in the sophomore lounge, so I went over and said hi.  She completely ignored me.  I waved my hand in front of her face, and she just acted really pissed off.  I figured she must've been having a bad day, so I tried to give her a hug, but she shoved me away from her.  And a couple hours later, she was fine talking to Caitlyn (another one of my friends).  Well, whatever...I knew this was going to happen eventually.  There was no avoiding it.  There's no way to tell if someone's truly your friend

Oh and by the way, I met an awesome boy a couple weeks ago.  His name is Jordan, a.k.a. Zacky Vengeance. He can play every single Avenged Sevenfold riff ever in existence on guitar.  He's super-cute! He has a really adorable smile, and he has these adorable glasses that he wears.  And he also writes poetry.  And by the way, he gave me his journal that he wrote all his poetry in.  He wrote a note in the back saying that most of the poems he wrote were inspired by me.  I like cried! It was so sweet!

But here's the thing: I'm starting to second-guess the kind of person he really is.

I had a talk with Mommy, and she said that since we met under unusual circumstances (which I'm not gonna tell you about because it's none of your fucking business).  Emotions were high and I didn't have that gut feeling to tell me when something was wrong.  She was like, "For all you know he could be a very manipulative person."  She said this because I told her about this one time when he was telling me this funny story about how he tried this really lame pickup line on some random girls in the mall: "Nice legs.  When do they open?" She brought up a good point that if some random dude came up to me and said that I'd be like fuck you, man-whore! It can say a lot about the kind of person he is.  And now that I think about it, I'm starting to agree with her.  I also remember this one time he told me he made out with three different girls, three days in a row.  That concerns me.

But the thing is: he's suicidal.  I mean, like, really suicidal.  Like, he tried to kill himself and he was hospitalized.  So I'm worried that if I tell him, even if I just say "I need some time to think..." I'm worried that he'll hurt himself and it'll be all my fault.

See, this is why I don't like relationships.  Mommy even told me that whatever relationships I happen to get myself into as a teenager, they'll all end because they're not real.  And I know I have to go through all of those to find THE relationship, but I don't want to.  I don't want to subject myself to that kind of pain.  And also, I think...I'm more afraid of hurting other people.  That's why it's so weird to me, the way me and Jordan are with each other.  To me, love has always been just loving someone who doesn't love me back.  And that's what I want it to be, because that way I don't have to hurt anyone.  The only person who gets hurt is me.  And that's okay with me.  But it's better than having a long, five-year relationship and then breaking up.  This way, I don't have to get too close to anyone, and it won't even hurt me as much when they leave.

I haven't run into any jobs lately.  See, mostly I babysit, but sometimes I take care of people's pets, water their plants, bring in their mail, and stuff like that.  But I can't even remember the last time I ran into work for me to do.  And I guess it's for the best too, because I've been especially busy lately.

Okay, that's all I have to say.

~kbye~

(cordas de guitarra)

I can like totally play guitar now! YAY! Well, I'm not very good, but I'm getting there.  My fingers are beginning to develop calluses on some of my fingers.  Here is a list of songs I can sort of play:

• Hotel Yorba (The White Stripes)
• So Far Away (Avenged Sevenfold)
• The End. (My Chemical Romance)
• Brompton Cocktail (Avenged Sevenfold)

So yeah.  That's pretty much it so far.  I can play the very beginning of Where the Lines Overlap (by Paramore), but I don't think that counts since it's only like five seconds of the song.  Oh and also, I can play the first solo in So Far Away really well! If I only had an electric guitar, it would sound amazing.  Our friend Kylie can really play.  I mean, she's really good! She showed us a little bit; during lunch one day she played part of a Beatles song that I can't remember the name of right now...and then after that, my other friend Caitlyn went home and I guess she practiced it, because she can kind of play it now too.  She can play all the notes, and with just a little bit more practice and persistence, I bet she'll be able to play it flawlessly.  But sometimes I don't think she understands just how much I need it.  The guitar, I mean.  She always practices during our frees and stuff, which is when I need to practice.  See, my brother somehow thinks the guitar belongs to him, even though it totally doesn't.  So I can't bring it in from the car after I come home from school, because he'll see it and throw a fit.  So basically, the only place I can play it is in school.  I don't think Caitlyn needs the guitar like I do.  I mean, she certainly enjoys playing it, and I'm happy for her, but right now, with everything that's going on in my life, the guitar is kind of my shield, both physically and mentally.  Whenever I'm playing it, all my fear and sadness just flows out of my mind the second my pick hits the strings.  I forget everything, and for a moment I'm not alone; my guitar is like my friend.  He'll always be there to comfort me, and I don't have to worry about him judging me, because I know he'll play his music for anyone no matter what their problems are.  He always listens to what I have to say, and he always seems to agree with me.

Speaking of which, I was talking with my aunt (I call her Anne) on Facebook the other day, and she said that there's another present that she and my uncle (I call him Keith) sent, and that it's being mailed here.  I know I shouldn't get my hopes up, but I really, really think it might be an electric guitar! I don't know if they would know to get an amp too, but just having an electric guitar would be amazing! Here are my guitar heroes and the bands they are (or were) in:

• Synyster Gates (Avenged Sevenfold)
• Zacky Vengeance (Avenged Sevenfold)
• Jack White (The White Stripes)
• Ray Toro (My Chemical Romance)
• Frank Iero (My Chemical Romance)

That's it so far, although I'm determined to find more as I start discovering more and more bands.

I also have a lucky pick.  I think I actually put it in the wash... o.O

Heh heh anyway...


I went to that concert thingy on November 5th.  It was sooo much fun! We were there the whole time.  The first band was really nerdy (no offence to them or anything).  Seriously.  They were wearing weird jazz hats and plaid polo shirts...it was just really lame.  I feel like they're a bunch of preps, and the kids at their school only like them 'cause their so popular.  My Second Heart was really good though; that's the band my friend plays in (he's the bassist).  While they were playing their set, we met the lead singer's girlfriend, whose name is Cat.  Afterwards, the four of us ended up talking for a long time, and we became really good friends.  We set up a little circle of stools in the corner of the little non-alcoholic bar.  We took a picture of our knees.

Yeah, I know.  We're such hipsters.  We were talking about religion at one point, and quite oddly we started incorporating meese (I know that's not the plural, but that's how I say it, so deal with it).  We came up with this whole religion called "Mooselim," and we decided that they worship "Moosehammed," the "Moosiah."  That's how awesome we are.  Oh, and Sully (that's the lead singer) loves MCR almost as much as I do! And he's totally one of the few other people I know personally who actually listens to the songs on their fourth studio album that are not as well known as Na Na Na or SING.  We both like S/C/A/R/E/C/R/O/W, for example, which almost no one has heard of.  It's awesome.  Afterwards, we went to Starbucks and took a bunch of awesome pictures.  In case you're wondering, I'm the one with the multicolored hair, the big head, the vampire skin, and the ugly retarded face.

In case you were slightly confused, the one with the really long hair and the headband is Eugenie, the one with the really cute short hair is Cat, and the dude is Sully.  So yeah.  It was fun.  A couple days later I was talking to Sully, and he said that they're going to light-up night in like a week, and that maybe Euge and I could come along.  The thing is, I don't know if my mom would let me go to something like that...and one of his friends is driving.  My mom told me not to get in a car with a teenager driving, because that's exactly what I did last year after one of our track & field practices...one of the juniors drove a group of us to a fro yo place.  I told my mom about it when I got home, and she got all mad at me.  But of course my stepdad didn't give a shit.  And plus, I'd be kind of scared to go anyway.  I don't know...I just wouldn't feel comfortable around all those people that are probably older than us and that we don't know.  I don't know why, but I know that's not all.  There's some other underlying reason.  There's another small reason (which I'm not about to tell you people), but that's not it.  I can't quite figure it out, but there's just something else that worries me about it, which is why I probably won't go.


Oh, and I was talking to my friend Livy the other day, and I told her about my weekend festivities.  And you know what she said to me? She said Sully changes girlfriends like every week.  That's what worries me about him in particular.  I don't know.  I think that other part is that I'm afraid there'll be alcohol, and that he'll try to make a move on me or something...


Well, hopefully he's not like that, and I hope I didn't make a huge mistake being his friend.


~kbye~

(fuck you all)

Haha I got detention today.


So okay, here's what happened.  Yesterday, the receptionist at my school sent this email out to our entire class:


Ms. Sturdevant asked me to request that you all clean up the mess you left in the library.


Ms. Cohen


Oh, and Ms. Sturdevant is the art history teacher, by the way.


So I got really mad.  See, there's a long history of our entire class being blamed for stuff only a couple people did.  It started at the beginning of last year, and it's still going on and I'm fucking sick of it.  Okay, so we have this thing called Color Wars (during Spirit Week, which is the week leading up to Homecoming), where each grade is assigned a color by the seniors (it is customary that the freshmen get like the worst colors; ours last year was beige).  During Color Wars, the girls (I go to an all-girls school) in each grade come to school wearing as much of their color as they can, and they decorate their lounge with it too (each grade has a designated lounge area).  Last year, what happened was that these two girls went up and trashed the senior lounge, so the whole class got in trouble and we were automatically put in fourth place.  Also, there was this group of people that would always be really loud and obnoxious in the locker area, which was right around Ms. Cohen's (the receptionist's) desk.  She couldn't hear when she was trying to talk to people on the phone.  So basically, the whole fucking class got in trouble because of that one group of people.  The punishment: for three days, we all had to stay in the cafeteria until lunch was completely over.  Even the group of people that had concussions had to do this, and the teachers knew that they couldn't handle all the noise in the cafeteria.  And last but not least, apparently some people were cheating on the math worksheets last year.  You see, we're not allowed to work with other people on worksheets that we're going to be turning in, and we have to show all of our work.  Because of this, the teacher made it so that we had to turn in our homework before school started on the day it was due, and he asked that anyone who was cheating send an email to him confessing.  But here's the thing: there was one worksheet which had one problem where I didn't show any work, and I didn't even know that was a fucking rule.  He never told us, so how did he expect me to? So yeah.  You see why I got mad, yes? Now keeping that in mind, here is the response that I sent:


Look I'm sorry, but I was not a part of this.  I think from now on someone should find out who was responsible instead of taking the easy way out and blaming everybody.


You can give me a detention now.  In fact, go ahead and give me five detentions: two for misusing the email and three for speaking my mind.  I really couldn't care less what you do with me at this point.  But I think I speak for most of the sophomore class when I say that enough is enough, and I'm done standing by and letting it happen.  I'm tired of you guys making other people's problems my problems, and I'm willing to bet that the majority of the class feels the same way.


Oh, and one more thing: the next time the teachers wanna call us out, they need to get up the courage to say it to our faces instead of hiding behind an email sent by someone else.


Thank you for understanding,
Emily Kuzma


I sent this to Ms. Cohen, Ms. Sturdevant, our grade dean, our principal, and our entire class.  And then I got what I asked for


from my principal,


Emily,
You need to come to talk with me ASAP, OK?
Mrs. Newham


from my friends,


wait, what happened again????


and from my fiery grade dean.


Emily,
We need to talk about this!
Coach


Oh, and yes, she was my track & field coach last year, in case you were wondering.


So I met with Mrs. Newham, and she said a bunch of stuff that I cared about then but that I don't now.  She said it would probably be a good idea to send out an apology email to all the people that I sent the original email to.  I only did it to make her happy, and it's totally fake.  I am a superb actress, if I do say so myself.


Hi, everyone,


I just wanted to apologize for the email I sent out earlier.  While I stand by what I said, I realize now that the way in which I said it might not have been the best choice.  I want you all to know that I'm really not like that.  I let my anger cloud my judgment, and I should've thought about what I said before I said it.  I hope you can all forgive me for being such a jerk.  I have learned from my mistake, and from now on I promise to try and channel my anger in a more positive way.


Sincerely,
Emily Kuzma


See that? That's called "telling people what they want to hear."  I'm pretty good at it, actually.  It works on practically everything.  I use it on applications for financial aid as well.  I don't even mean half the things I say. All I really have to do is make sure that it sounds convincing, and I can get whatever the fuck I want.


So anyway, here were some of the replies to my fake apology...


Ms. Cohen:


Thank you, Emily.  Your apology is accepted.


Have a nice weekend,
Ms. Cohen


Ms. Sturdevant:


Dear Emily,


Thank you for the apology and please know that I had no intention of enraging you so.  I was simply asking the class of 2014 to clean up in the library.  I was informed by our head librarian that it was in quite a state after a hurried morning of preparing for time line projects.  I was unable to access my email, so I asked Mrs. Cohen to send out a reminder.  I thought of it as a housekeeping note- clearly I misjudged.  I really do not think you are a jerk...at all.


Sincerely,


sls


So that's basically it.  But my mom did say that apart from that last line, she was proud of me for sending out that email, and that she probably would've done the same thing, and that it takes a real leader to do something like that.  I even had some people come up to me during school and tell me that I did a good job.  My friend Liz said that it made her smile, and that she totally agreed with me 100%.  She then asked me if I had gotten in trouble for it yet, which I hadn't (yet), so I said no, but I was waiting.  She rubbed my arm and gave me a hug.  Later that day, when I checked my email, I had gotten into trouble with the principal and the grade dean.  She was like "uh-oh..." but she told me to keep being strong.  Oh and also, there was this one junior who I was talking to while I was sitting in the office waiting for my detention proctor to show up.  As she was walking out, she said, "Oh, and that email was awesome, by the way.  Stick it to the man!" I figured Ellie (her sister and one of my friends in my class) must've showed it to her or something.


So I guess today was a pretty good day after all.


~kbye~

(yay)

I did that chem lab on Monday.  It was this thing with wet ice and dry ice.  We had to wear gloves, so that the dry ice didn't burn our skin (because yeah, it can do that).  I had to borrow my friend Campbell's gloves because I forgot mine.  Typical.  Anyway.  The experiment.  It was really cool because the dry ice had like all these crazy reactions, like when you put it into cold water it bubbled and steam came out of the top, and in hot water the same thing happens, except on a greater scale.  And when we put detergent in, these huge bubble worms (well, not really, they just looked like worms) just splooched out of the beakers, and they kept going and going and omg it was so cool! Ooh, and also, when we dripped water onto the dry ice, it froze as soon as it came in contact with it, but when it hit the lab bench it became liquid again! And also, later we did this thing where we had this plastic box, and the bottom was filled with dry ice.  When we blew bubbles into it, they would pretty much either just float in one place for a really long time, or freeze and sink to the bottom.  Our chem teacher was really excited about it too.  We were cheering on the bubbles.


Oh, and guess what? My mom said I can go to that gig on Saturday!! Yay!!!!! And Euge is coming too.  There's just one problem: if my mom takes us, we probably won't get there at the time we want to.  So either Euge's parents are gonna take us, or we have to find another ride.  But, whatever.  I'm just glad we can go.  :)


Ooh! Also, I got some other stuff for my birthday!


1. A sweatshirt and sweatpants from my mom and stepdad
2. A pajama shirt, also from my mom and stepdad
3. Four t-shirts, all from my aunt and uncle: one says "PROUD TO BE AWESOME," one is a My Chemical Romance tee, one has Gir on it (like, from Invader Zim), and one is an Adventure Time tee
4. Checks for like ten bucks from some of my relatives


Oh, and we didn't end up going trick-or-treating.  First of all, I wasn't sure if we were going to be able to make it, because I usually get home at around seven, and the place we go every year stops handing out candy at seven-thirty.  Second, it was cold and rainy outside, and I was wearing high heels, and I probably would've been miserable.  So I ended up handing out candy.  But here's the thing: like three kids came to our house.  No one else.  So, I ended up waiting in the living room and NOT getting my homework done, for almost no one to show up.  And we bought all that candy too.  Of course, this is the ONE year truckloads of bratty little kids decide NOT to come to our doorstep like pathetic beggar children.  Brilliant.


But that English teacher I was telling you about did get to see my costume.  A picture of me was posted on the electronic announcement board on Tuesday, so she got to see it.  She told me she really liked it, and it really captured the personality of the character in the movie.  Of course, she's an English teacher, so she couldn't have just said it was awesome.


So, I talked with my parents about motorcycles.  They told me it's kinda hard to drive one, because you have to switch gears and there's a clutch and everything.  They said they'd think about it, but we agreed that I'd get a normal learner's permit first.  Like, for a car.


~kbye~

(happy birthday to me)

Hey, all! This is my first blog post! Like, ever.  I know, right? I thought, as a little sweet sixteen present to myself, I'd start my own special little blog called Scissors, Milk, and Conspicuous Hair.  Why it's called this, you'll know if you know me really well.  If you don't, then too bad because I'm not telling you.  And if you know even part of why (you know who you are) don't you dare tell anyone or so help me I will wring your fucking neck.


So anyway, so far for my birthday I've gotten:


1. Two concert tickets to My Chemical Romance and Blink 182.  The concert was actually way back in September, but my mom and stepdad decided to get them for me and my friend as an early birthday present.  We were way up in the pit, like ten feet away from the stage.  It was one of the best nights of my life...I actually cried when MCR came out.


2. A designer purse from New Zealand.  This was from my dad and his partner.  I forget the name of the designer (probably because it's like impossible to prounounce, let alone spell).


3. A $100 gift card to Hot Topic from my friend Eugenie (that's oo-jhe-nee).  She's French.  Sometimes I call her Unuzh Euge, because it rhymes.  She said her mom felt kinda bad because my mom paid for both tickets (they were like $225 each), so she pitched in to help buy the gift card.  It has Gir on it from Invader Zim, which amuses me.


4. A pair of sunglasses with a moustache attached to them, also from Eugenie.


5. Three new pairs of gloves from Hot Topic (lo and behold, also from Euge).  They are very awesome.  I'm pretty sure I collect those now, because I have like seven different pairs now.


6. An Avenged Sevenfold t-shirt (MY FIRST ONE!!) from Eugenie, because she knows how much I love that band.  They're like my second favorite band of all time.  And that's saying something.


So yeah.  That's pretty much it so far.  And we're going trick-or-treating later today, because (no fucking duh) it's Halloween.  I'm dressing as the lady from that Alfred Hitchcock movie The Birds.  You know, that horror movie from like the sixties? I found it at a costume store and freaked out, I HAD to have it.  I was going to wear a blonde wig with it, but it ended up looking retarded with my glasses, so I decided not to.  I was so excited about it because last year when I was a little tiny freshman, one of the minicourses after finals was an Alfred Hitchcock minicourse, and whaddaya know, I got in and we watched part of The Birds because somebody did a project on it.  My freshman English teacher was so excited when I told her about it, because she was the one who taught the minicourse, and she LOVES Alfred Hitchcock.  But anyway, I got tons of compliments on my costume, and a few people even took pictures of it!


So apparently we're doing like some kind of special lab in chem class to celebrate Halloween that we need gloves for.  People said it was really cool.  I'm curious.


Sorry.  That was random.


Ugh, my butt is numb.


I'm actually hoping that I can get a motorcycle permit, because I really wanna learn how to drive one.  That would be so badass, don'tcha think? But if not, I guess a just a regular learners permit is good enough.  Ooh, wanna know what my dream car is? Well too bad, cuz I'll tell you anyway.  It's a shiny black Ford Mustang convertible.  I know, I know, it's probably not gonna happen, but I can dream right?


So Homecoming was yesterday.  It was actually kinda lame, but I obviously looked the best.

I mean, obviously right? I look like a demon in this picture.  Oh and it wasn't dark, even though it looks like it here (I don't know why, so don't ask me).


Oh, and this Saturday night, my friend's band (he's the bassist) has a gig at this place that I REALLY wanna go to.  My mom's still "thinking about it," which I hate.  I already know Euge is coming with me (that is, IF I can even go).  We're showing up early so we can hang out with the band.  I know, awesome right?


~kbye~